This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, which my post on money brought into focus, and R’s Mom’s post galvanised me into getting off my ass and writing up my thoughts.
One of the Christian teachings that impressed me early on was the episode in which a woman who commits adultery is brought before Jesus and the elders ask him whether they should stone her as per custom. They were basically trying to trap him, because if he said “no” he could be condemned as a blasphemer, but if he said “yes” he would be contravening Roman law as only the Romans were allowed to issue a death sentence. Instead he said: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” And they all went away quietly.
The passage is generally interpreted to mean don’t judge, unless you’re blameless yourself.
It used to mystify me that Christians around me generally seemed to ignore this passage* and go about with an aura of smug contempt of anyone who deviated from the most trivial aspects of the religious code. It still does, though now I understand better how people prefer to brush away inconvenient truths.
However, I have also begun to wonder how practical the no-judging dictum is. If no one who has ever sinned is allowed to judge anyone, then how do you institute the law? You could never have courts with judges because I’m sure there isn’t a single completely blameless judge. If we are to follow the dictum strictly, then in, say, the Delhi rape case, none of us should be judging the perpetrators of the crime, leave alone the judges in the case.
The law is in essence a collective decision based on the judgement of society that certain actions will not be tolerated. Or that they will be tolerated only under certain circumstances. Thou shall not kill another human being (though animals and plants are okay)… unless in self-defence, or unless your country decides to go to war, or unless the person you are killing is judged collectively to be a danger to society (capital punishment).
At the individual level, we judge every single day of our lives. Every decision we make involves judgement. I choose to send my child to a particular school, judging it better than the other options. In doing so, I am judging some schools and by implication could be seen to be judging the parents who put those kids in those schools (hence the defensiveness the entire subject arouses).
If we are never to judge, we must never weigh up options and make a decision in our lives.
Interestingly, while searching for that biblical passage, I came across the chapter before it in which I found this quote: “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.”
That’s more like it for me. I don’t think “not judging” is realistic even at the personal level. But I think we need to judge the quality of judgements.
So the commandment should be, judge, but ensure that:
- You are not making petty, instinctive judgements that are less about the issue at hand and more about your own prejudice and defensiveness.
- You introspect. There may be no one among us who is blameless, but how close is your “sin” to the one you are judging. If there’s 100 degrees of separation, then fine. If there’s six, then sorry, you aren’t fit to judge.
- You try to be neutral and consider all possible perspectives.
- You do not waste a lot of energy and get worked up in the process of judging when you could be productively doing something else.
This post on Women’s Web illustrates how we are quite often closer than we think to the “sins” we are condemning, though I don’t agree with its conclusion to give up judging altogether or that it’s mainly women who indulge in the preoccuption of judging or that we should stop judging because it somehow defies the code of the sisterhood.
Caveat 1: Avoid airing your judgement unless it’s going to serve some constructive purpose. If you can help it, keep it to yourself and let it guide your own behaviour. For example, I judge people as stupid/narrowminded/misguided/ill-informed every other day. But no purpose would be served by informing them I think so. First of all, because it won’t go down well and ignorant people rarely change on being informed that they come across as so. Second, there’s the possibility that I’m wrong. However, I just resolve to learn more and not be stupid (or as Prof Eunice DeSouza would say, “a cabbage”) myself.
[Edited to add]
Caveat 2: Stop being bothered by the thought that other people are judging you. Of course they are. As long as they keep their judgements to themselves, carry on. I find this relatively easier in Hong Kong because the Chinese way is to put on what I, following that Genghis Khan book, refer to as the “cold face”, which one can safely ignore. Even better if you are a foreigner, because if comments are passed, you can’t understand them because they’re in Cantonese. I have the same approach with my MiL and Malayalam, I don’t understand what she mutters so if I perceive her judgement it has to be intense. Yay for outsider status! Thus, although apparently Hong Kong guys make fun of women who don’t shave their legs, I have never noticed this and exposed a hairy ankle now and then blissfully unaware. Maybe solidifying their view of Indians as uncivilised brutes; however, as long as I don’t hear it, I don’t care.
I can see how being constantly subjected to voiced judgments can be trying though. Here is my short guide to dealing with judgements in social settings:
1. When someone says a judgy thing to you, first take a breath. Resist the urge to hotly contest their point of view and/or kick them in the shins. (I also need to work on this one.) Instead, if the statement is something you have never heard before, think about whether it might have merit.
2. If you are too irritated to think on the spot (quite common in these situations), respond with “Hmmm”. This effectively shuts down further discussion till you have had the time to consider things at length. Contrary to popular belief, one normally does get a chance to give vent to one’s considered response at different occasions because people, fortunately or unfortunately, do tend to appear more than once.
3. If what they are mouthing is the same tired drivel of old, think about whether there is any hope of changing their mind by contradicting them. If no, then go with “Hmmm” as above. Or “I don’t agree.” If yes, proceed to state your point of view, possibly opening by acknowledging that you can see what might have led them to their (errorneous) position.
4. If people persistently press the same opinion on you, then say something like: “I’m sorry, but you’ve said this before and I don’t agree. Can we talk about something else?” If that doesn’t shut them up – and I’ve actually come across people who are unrebuffed – remove yourself from their presence. If necessary, forever.
Amen.
*While searching for this quote, I came across several links contending that this passage shouldn’t be included because it wasn’t there in the original texts. Heh.
Don’t you think we’re all constantly judging things/peoples/situations? All the frigging time. I have seen myself grow a little more sharp and unforgiving of anything that doesn’t fall within my purview of right and wrong. I am vocal about it and often not in a nice way. And this is something I have been trying to tone down. Starting with voicing my opinion unless it is absolutely constructive, or else questioning my judgement (introspecting) and maybe even in some cases altering it.
This effort is as recent as 4 months ago actually. Funny that you posted this, because the money matters posts (yours and others) also got me thinking about how much *I* judged people and their marriages based on views reflected in the posts and in the comments. It was totally arbitrary and I had to stop and tell myself, people have all kinds of reasons for doing/being the way they are, and certainly a cursory reading in a blog is not basis enough to make a judgement about what is right and wrong?
That should have been *NOT voicing my opinion
(GAH!)
Well, the premise of this post is that I think we’re all judging and that’s okay. It’s how we judge that we need to change. Rather than snap judgements, be more reflective, empathetic, at least try to be fair, consider different perspectives.
Voicing it is another matter. I’ve become more convinced of the value of politeness as I grow older. I think airing judgements is rude and should be done only when there is a realistic chance of having some effect. For example, I wrote about that New Year’s party where one woman proclaimed all Indians to be stingy in response to some remakr I made. She was making a judgement, and she aired it out loud. That and other remarks she made caused me to judge her. However, I refrained from saying it because part of my judgement was that she is not one of those to reflect on a criticism (if any of us are), certainly not one from a stranger, and because when I bit back my initial retort I could also see that her statement at least was coming from her own anxiety over her business. So while she was petty, I did not feel the need to disturb the peace by proposing by own petty two cents.
But sometimes we would do well to speak up. Letting misogynistic comments go too often can have ripple effects.
Haan, totally agree. What I was saying is that I’ve been consciously trying to learn the pause, ponder and introspect like you said. And mostly air it only if absolutely required. Not sure to what extent I am successful though
The voicing bit I think also depends on the “audience”. I am far more open with those that I am close to, because chances of knowing the whole story are far greater. And “judgement” turns into healthy discussion. The money matters post made me realise that many of us sometimes (as I was when I read several of those comments) are quick to jump to conclusions on the basis of some judgement call we made on just reading a comment here and there. And that is the kind of judgement I want to change in myself.
Yeah, I need to work on the airing too. It’s the airing that’s crucial I think. Also agree that audience is crucial, I sort of meant that when I said think about whether airing it will be constructive. A big part of that is whether the audience is mature enough to handle a discussion without taking offense pronto.
About judging based on blog posts, I think it depends. The one on money – I knew I would get judged based on that and since I was writing it to present a point of view I would include whatever I thought was relevant to the matter. So one would think that posts of this kind give the reader enough information to judge based on what is presented, though of course, there might be other extenuating circumstances. This would hold also for more detailed comments such as some of those on Pepper’s money post. But short one of comments, harder to judge but I also think that one could judge the comment itself while reminding oneself that there might be more to the person.
i TOTALLY agree. it’s impossible not to judge. i think my take is partly yours,w hich is dont air unless to a purpose, and also dont shut yourselff off to reevaluating the judgement when new evidence comes to light
Exactly! Re-evaluating is a good point. People are allowed to change their views, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting you were wrong. Have another post on that.
Errr…I agree..its absolutely impossible to be non-judgemental..at least for a person like me..but what I am trying to achieve is getting into that level of objectivity where I dont pass judgements left right and centre…like I said in my post, as long as an action doesnt affect anyone emotionally or physically, I will try to be non-judgemental about it…its tough I swear
BTW – I always thought Jesus is a really cool person…I could have never thought of such a clever answer of anyone who has not sinned, go on and stone that lady…but I guess thats why he is God and I am just human
i would say for anyone, except God types like Buddha and Jesus. Yeah, I think level of objectivity is crucial. Whether something doesn’t affect anyone emotionally or physically directly is one way to judge, but sometimes things that don’t have a direct effect can have an indirect one. Like funeral rituals in your example might not directly harm people but indirectly may propogate certain undesirable social conventions (not saying they do, I don’t actually know). It’s like that Zen saying: If a tree falls in a forest and noone hears it, did it make a sound. Okay not exactly that, but I don’t think actions have no effect whatsoever. The question is how severe their effect is, and therein lies the judgement.
I think Jesus is cool too. Basically the quintessential rebel.
I wonder if judgement is just another term for ‘choice’ – we make judgements on everything around us all the time to justify or aid us in making choices. Whether those choices are good or bad is relative to the person and situation at hand.
I’m a silent judger and a sporadic one. I don’t often air my judgments, unless it is something that is close to my heart or I feel I can’t say silent. Whatever the fallout from that, I take on me.
Just pondering out loud….
I think judgements come prior to choice, at the private level, and therefore are closely connected to choice. The thing to remember is that, as you said, we make judgement s and choices based on our personal situations and therefore, while it seems natural to extend the same judgement, to others who seem to be in the same situation, it might not actually be fair to do so. Nevertheless, if we perceive people to be in exactly the same situation, our very choice might come across as a judgement of theirs. hence all the defensiveness I see in mommy spheres, for example.
I need to try to be more silent.
I had an actual image of you kicking people in the shins!!
Hehehe, I am happy to report that I have only thus far kicked my husband in the shins. Okay and my sister when we were little.
This is a good post. I think judging/accepting judgement is also an art. If you have a good way of delivering your thoughts, you may end up helping someone learn.
Similarly, if you are the at the receiving end of someone’s judgement it may be a learning opportunity. Of course, it is incidental, and depends on the situation and subject.
For example, I do remember a few instances where some judgmental comments may have reached my ear directly/indirectly. Instead of taking offence, in some cases, I changed my way to conform to the local norm, which helped me to assimilate in a new cultural environment and helped me make progress and be accepted (for example at work in a new country), In other, I avoided the company, (since I had no intention of changing my way.)
Hard to say black and white on this. It is all very relative. But sometimes, these interactions give us a different perspective.
Yeah, like Jesus did. I think a lot of us believe we have a good way of delivering our thoughts, but in sensitive matters, turns out we don’t. That’s why I think one should at least think because one says something. Sometimes it turns out, one already has the perfect response and then effectively airs it. But mostly, that’s not the case.
The learning opportunity is a good point. That’s why my first point was about pausing to consider if it has merit. Often a word or two that a person uses triggers a red flag and we dismiss everything they’re saying thereafter, when there might be something there worth listening to. Easier said than done, I know.
But I think receiving judgement persistently can be hard to take, and might cross into harassment territory.
Returning here, to share this article I read today! Although, this is written in the context of a workplace, we can still draw a parallel with what you discussed in this post.
http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2013/01/sometimes_negative_feedback_is.html
Quote: “It’s important to begin by understanding the function that positive and negative feedback serve. Positive feedback (e.g., Here’s what you did really well….) increases commitment to the work you do, by enhancing both your experience and your confidence. Negative feedback (e.g., Here’s where you went wrong….), on the other hand, is informative — it tells you where you need to spend your effort, and offers insight into how you might improve.”
I also think the distinction made in the article between the rookie (more receptive to positive feedback) and the pro (more receptive to negative) is important. But overall, yeah, I think both kinds of feedback have their role, though obviously positive feedback is more pleasant to hear.
That article was about the work setting though, and while it could be argued that the logic applies to personal life as well, how much feedback/judgement it is appropriate to give is a delicate matter. Even in the workplace, I would give feedback (which involves making a judgement) if requested to do so or if that is what I am hired for, like my current editing role or if I was a manager. I don’t comment on other people’s work randomly, unless it is to praise.