Deadwood. The word was always there – but it never meant anything. Until just now, when I realized it’s what I best describes my current job.

But even that deadwood has a use. In the absense of a cigarette, when what you really desperately need is for your mind to be blank, it sometimes is the most comfortably numbing thing (a song which V always claims is one of his favourites, though I doubt he really gets what it means and then I am afraid he does because then it would mean that he is like me only more fucked up because you cannot see that he is).To sit in front of the white screen and mindlessly read word after word of something so dry, so numbing that it begins to make no sense apart from monotony. And slowly that monotony begins to seep into you and become part of you, so that you can compose your face and look at your husband with only the faintest glimmer of a tear in your eye and make the kind of banter that you would with any odd stranger.

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