This week I have been living a double life. I have been working on work work and also attempting to escape it – by applying for other work. It has been incredibly stressful. In the middle of the heaviest work week of the month I got sent two edit tests to do both from incredible jobs that I would love to have. The tests would have been cakewalk if I had the time calmly do them. As it happened I had too much work.
I had to submit the tests at around the same time I released the magazine… It is a nightmare I don’t want to repeat but I had a little help from my friends for which I am very grateful. I don’t have the words to express how crazy it all was. I just hope it all works out – both in my job and in the others, that everything I submitted again is error-free. I hope that is not too much to hope for.
Everyone cross you fingers for me.
It’s also been a bizarre week because V was away. That in itself is not so bizarre, it happpens every so often. What was different was that I did not have time to miss him – it is not that I didn’t, but only sub-cutaneously, like compounded fatigue. This is where everyone jumps in and says – see you do not need a man to live, if you have enough to do. But it’s not true. I may not need V but he sure as hell makes it all worthwhile and a lot more interesting.
Without V, I exist. Maybe that makes me a sad person, or maybe it’s just because he is the brightest and best person I know in this city. That might not be true if I was in Bombay or anywhere else but here it is.
What was also different but that I just came home. Granted that I was terribly busy, but I didn’t push myself to seek alternatives to the void. I just came home. Granted I had Harry Potter but then I didn’t. And I still came home. Of course, I still didn’t try to make home more home – I went from kitchen to couch to bed. I wonder if I didn’t have V and lived alone – would I be forced to take pride in my home. Would I finally dredge up the enthusiasm to more than exist when I am not with people. To take pleasure in what is around me even unpopulated. I don’t know. It came as a surprise to me that I need people. This is a new development – a three-year-old development, maybe the result of being cocooned and then not. So the me I knew was the old me and the new me I still have to learn.
So to everyone who tells me to get some peace – hey there’s no peace in learning, only in enlightenment. Till I attain that, I’ll be restless but I’ll try ocassionally to be happy. Or at least something beyond numb.
OK somebody’s back. I have to go.