I’m just going to continue as if that brief hiatus in which I actually said something issue-based never happened and dive back into the personal once again.
So, V and I are back in HK. Every time we come back we realise how much we want to be somewhere else. This time even the beauty of the city on the bus ride home failed to charm me, probably because we didn’t take the bus but the Airport Express. Shuffling into our flat and throwing ourselves straight onto the couch, we stared at each other in bewilderment.
So. It’s just the two of us again.
And that’s where I began thinking about whether it’s unnatural, or rather, artificial that V and I depend so much on each other. Are we this tight because there’s nobody else? Do we genuinely like each other or is it just survival? These are the morbid thoughts that being cast on a desert island or coming back to an empty flat after two weeks of being surrounded by family chatter prompts.
Of course, let me not get started on the total isolation that creeps over you if you come back alone to an empty flat. It’s something I’ve decided I will not be doing. If we go on separate holidays, we must come back together. I must be like every Indian woman and have children so I will not be alone. Hmmm, maybe not given that I’ve abandoned my parents so children seem to be no guarantee in the battle against loneliness.
Anyway, this time I got over it quicker simply because I went back to the hell of work and immediately I had something to stress about, for my stomach to clench about, for my mind to be paralysed in fear about. I am less enjoying my job than surviving it.
Nevertheless, I have tided over the probation period and as of yesterday, I am a fully fledged writer of this newspaper. As if there was ever any doubt. Well, I guess a little but then I’m pessimistic. Always be prepared for the worst is my motto. Which is why I am so stressed out.
It just struck me – they say this is a modern disease and maybe it’s true that only modern man has died of a stress-induced heart attack, for example. But what about primitive man. If you were always aware of the danger of a lion springing upon you, wouldn’t that make you stressed out? Or did they just go through to life blithely unmindful of the dangers lurking in every corner. Hmmm?