1) All the girls are in the kitchen and if a guy comes in, he gets shooed out. If you are ineffectual like me in the kitchen, you tend to be in limbo. Worse, your husband will turn to you and say ‘why are you standing’ and everyone will stare, making it obvious but unsaid that you are The Girl Who Cannot Cook.
2) The boys are inevitably forcing some of the girls ‘to drink’. If it turns out that it’s a girl like me who says ‘I’ll have a whiskey and water, please’, you are greeted with shock and awe. Which then makes me feel rather embarassed because me feel like I’m only drinking ‘the hard stuff’ in order to impress when actually I stopped doing that when I was 20 and I actually do like whiskey simply because it doesn’t give me a hangover.
3) Games are played. Whatever happened to just chatting? Sure, it’s fun to ocassionally have games at a party but everytime? To make things worse, this time it was Truth and Dare. Really, this is something we used to play when we were in school and it generally ended with some dramatic revelation such as someone kissing someone else’s boyfriend and then nobody would be talking to each other for two weeks. Because we are no longer schoolgirls at a sleepover, it tended towards dares of the equally childish variety such as ‘pretend to be a homosexual’ or ‘seduce someone else’s wife’ or ‘sing a song’. Thanfully, everyone got bored before my turn came.
4) Hindi is spoken and those who do not speak Hindi are giggled over and in this case requested to ‘sing a song in Hindi’ or asked if ‘they have ever heard this song before’.
5) A confluence of 3) and 4) occurs when the party degenerates into antakshari. People who actually dare to have a separate conversation while the others are singing are frowned at.
6) Someone generally gets pissed drunk and is bordering on hitting on someone else’s wife. Unlike at a gweilo party where the wife of the drunk guy is likely to throw a hissy fit and walk out with her husband sheepishly following, here both women – the wife and the object of generally unwanted attention – discreetly pretend this is not happening at all.
7) At some point a ‘serious issue’ will be discussed. But the discussion is so mediocre that I am disinclined to participate in it. Classic examples are the Ellen DeGeneres show and how she is *gasp* “a LESBIAN” *snigger* (homophobia is always making an appearance because suddenly upper middle class Indians are being forced to confront it), molestation of women on New Year’s eve and the Shiv Sena’s defence of it, the ‘bad message’ in Rang De Basanti.
8) Everyone says goodbye for 200 minutes.
The end.*
*I know, I know – I’m being a bit of a bitch. As advised by Curly, I should not attend these gatherings at all. Especially since I am very lazy about inviting people over myself and in the case of most of these people, do not like them enough to overcome my laziness. Despite everything though, it wasn’t a half-bad way to spend a Saturday evening.

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