Remember this conversation with the cousin of my cousin (who does not automatically become my cousin, think about it) who was like: “I am always grateful for being a girl because we have the joy of childbirth.” Even at 14 I was skeptical. After all, I’d had my period.

And today as I sit in office trying to not pass out, having washed down a painkiller to no avail, I can say with full conviction: “I hate being a girl”. We do really get the worst deal. We get to go through this excrutiating pain EVERY month, whether we want children or not, and because of equal rights and everything, we have to come to work because we can’t claim woman’s trouble EVERY MONTH. If we’re very lucky, there’s no pain but we’re still sitting on a pile of BLOOD, whichever way you want to look at it.

The joy of childbirth, we can safely say, is a myth. If anyone cites those stupid studies which say women orgasm during childbirth, I will BITE you. Even if a small minority of women orgasm, it isn’t worth it for the pain that the rest of us have to go through – did I mention? – EVERY MONTH. We can orgasm elsewhere without trying to squeeze a whole baby out of a tiny aperture at the same time thank you very much.

And as you go grow older (if you’re lucky, because some girls go through this from the very beginning), you go through PMS (it is not a myth, the tantrum I threw yesterday is a testament to it) which involves bloating (so all the good work you’ve done starving yourself and excercising to measure up to society’s standards of female beauty, standards which at least in India don’t seem to exist for men), exhaustion, emotional swings and sometimes, the feeling that you can’t breathe! And then there’s the “joy” of ovulation – bleeping pain on one side that is bad enough to be sometimes mistaken for appendicitis, and spotting which means washing blood off your underwear for an extra week.

That’s my primary grouse with being a girl and that’s why I think guys should give up their seats for us and pay for dinner for the rest of their lives. Because if I had a choice, I’d give up my seat and pay for dinner. Small price to not have to go through this agony. You can always choose a less expensive restaurant. I cannot choose a less painful period. I am stuck with it for the best years of my life. Gah!

But if that’s not enough, if I’m a girl in India I have to contend with safety issues such as depending on guys to drive me home at night, learning to walk with elbows out to ward off pinchers, nevertheless being pinched and prodded on the streets if lucky and having jerk (literally) masturbate down my back if not etc.

In addition, have to be at the receiving end of all irritating questions in marriage such as: why is your house dirty, why do you not cook, why do you not have baby, why have you put on weight. The last one guys do get asked but the world is a more forgiving place for fat guys.

So, guys, listen up. Being a girl is a raw deal. There, I admit it. If I had to be born again, I’d choose to be a man. Did I mention I’d love to pee standing up and have a bigger bladder? Now go out there and buy me a bag for my trouble.

PS: I’ve probably ranted about this before. But some of the points are new. And my pain bloody well is. And this is my own personal rantspace. So I will rerant if I choose.

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