I am faced with two choices. To let down my defenses and to cede control and to just go with whatever crazy feeling happens.

Or not.

Ok wait. I did the former once or twice, didn’t I? And I was a blubbering mess.

At least this way I’m sitting here typing.

It does add a fucked up layer to the mind though. This level of self awareness.

Or maybe going with the flow means also going with my desire to wall up.

So this is the POA. When faced with anything painful I wall up. Then I go through a period of unwalling, which can be uncomfortable. Then, I’m all out there. Then I wall up again.

That’s perfectly normal, isn’t it? Except that most people aren’t conscious of it.

Well, if not normal, at least natural. Mimosas do it.

Hmmm mimosas should be my drink of choice. If only champagne wasn’t so expensive. If only I liked champagne.

The real issue I suppose is why I am a blubbering mess in the first place. Why can’t I sail through troubled times unperturbed?

Who does though? The unperturbed are the walled ones, whether they are aware of it or not.

Though there may be some people who are genuinely unperturbed and who are not (yet) yogis.

Maybe it comes down to don’t sweat the small stuff. Though aren’t we always being told to be detailed-oriented.

Also, being analytical is who I am. Even when I don’t analyse I’m still intuitive enough to feel. Am I supposed to shut down all my natural impulses?

Not feeling is either a) walling up b) denial. I figure that denial is just a more extreme form of walling up, which is what most people are doing.

Maybe the shrink was wrong. Maybe walling up is, as I believed since I was two? Ten? the only path to survival. Didn’t the Buddha preach detachment?

Guys seem to have it down to an art. See how easily they detach. Well, most of them anyway. The kind I like, unfortunately.

Maybe men have ruled the world, not because they a) have bigger muscles b) can pee standing up c) their mums always gave them the best leg of chicken but because they can detach. Hack of that guy’s head, that woman’s heart and move on.

As per shrinky wisdom, one must let go, feel the feeling, cry cry cry, then move on. Only to go through the cycle again.

As per me, one must attempt not to feel the feeling, cry less, hold on to a bit of the lesson for the next round so one can preempt feeling or at the very least brace oneself for the slap when it comes.

Which is better?

Gahhh!

PS: Since some people are not blogging enough, I am reduced to rummaging through my own head for entertainment.

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