The biggest gift God gave me last year was my job. It was like He (I always think of God as a He) thought “This bunny’s not going to be able to cope with the shit that’s going to come her way, so let me throw her a bone.”
The bone was my job. It was the best thing that happened to me last year. It is largely stressless, interesting enough and nice-peopled. Amen.
And I sure did need that bone. Because the boiling pot that was my marriage threatened to boileth over.
Till my job was the major stress in my life, it was very easy to blame everything on it. Including the angry fights at home.
But suddenly it was clear that my job was not the problem. Or, at least, not all of it. Sure, the stress of my earlier job may have run over into my dealings with V making being snappy a habit. Once you’ve crossed a line, you’ve crossed it. Then it’s easier to cross it again.
But there was crap brewing in my marriage that was not about anything else beyond us. How we had changed. How we had become set into ways of behaving that were fine when the romance was all tingly but unsustainable over a lifetime.
And there was upheaval in myself as well. I suddenly felt the need to stand up for myself, not just with V but with other people as well. I might have come across as abruptly abrasive. Last year, I didn’t care. Somewhere down the line I realised I wasn’t the bitch I thought I was. Deep down I was Ms. Nice. And really, in this big bad world, that’s not a good thing.
I have also realised that I am alone. It’s something I always knew but marriage does help you kid yourself. I’m coming to realize, however, that this is not an essentially bad thing or a betrayal. It’s just that the movies tell us about soulmates. I do believe in soulmates – just that I think they’re too intense to be forever.
Anyway, the end result is I’ve lost my moorings somewhat. The shore I started out from seems very far away. The raft under me – thank God – is my job and my marriage is something of a paddle, sometimes it’s great and it steers me upriver, sometimes I drop it and then there’s a lot of splashing around.
All this came to me quite forcefully the other day when I was doing that Myers-Briggs personality test that suddenly seems to be all the rage. I didn’t know half the answers to the questions that were supposed to be about myself. And I ended up getting a result that was very clearly not who I was.
The weird thing was V did the test for me and the result was more accurate. Disconcerting as it was to be so at sea as to my own personality, some of things the assessment said seemed spot on. I keep going back to that page as if it’s the elixir of life.
The cherry on the top of it all was the cyst. It was a blow but also a wake up call. I have been living life like a bachelor for three years (ironically the three years I’ve been living in HK with V) and I need to shape up. I need to do the simple things – exercise, eat right and the new one, calm down.
And then God threw me another bone. I spoke to an Indian doctor who is a family friend and she feels I don’t need to consider surgery for at least six months. She thinks I should try yoga and some ayurveda first. I’m happy to oblige. Since it means I can go India.
So, the year has a happy ending after all. In 2010, I hope to be well. That’s my wish for all of you too. Happy New Year.