April 23

This entry is only for women who have the exact same problem in relationships as me (for problem, see below, ‘The Thing Is’), or rather, since I’ve been told all women do have this same problem but do not go through existential nightmares because of it, it’s for women who do. Did that make any sense at all? Anyway, mostly it’s for ME because I’ve finally managed to figure this one out (with a l’ill help from ONE friend – please note, I have changed this from ‘friends’ to ‘friend’ because he called offended that I had ripped off his idea) and I want to record it somewhere for posterity.

Now, to get to it:

The Thing Is: Every time I’m in a relationship it starts out with guy being overly devoted, saying Mills And Boon type lines you would never think could be uttered by mortal man, carrying me up stairs (I was thinner then, though) and sending me flowers. Generally the works. This would go on for a while, and I would refuse to buy into it, being naturally cynical. But eventually, I would. Then, it would stop. Then, I would go mad, feeling at some level betrayed by people who told me to trust them and convinced me that I could a la all of the above and more substantial measures tooo and then weren’t there when I needed them, leaving me to fall flat on my face after having taken that giant leap of faith (and at a point which was anyway bad to start with, which was why I needed them around).

This has happened thrice so I figured it was a coincidence. The first time I went mad, sat on parapets and considered jumping off, practised slitting my wrists with a razor etc. For those of you who think this is a bit extreme, considering noone did anything really BAD like cheating on me, and guys always do this, consider this – i never wanted to trust anyone, i did, i got kicked in the gut, and in my pain, felt most foolish for letting my defenses down and so on. I’m sure if anyone cheated on me, I’d be dead.

Anyway, the second time it happened I figured, what the hell, it was just a fling, what could I have expected, though I was a bit upset and all that.

The third time…ah! by now I had to sit up and take notice. I came to two conclusions:

1) This could not be a coincidence but a pattern

2) Either I was attracting all the wrong men, or and being the saintly, self-critical person that I am, there was something wrong with me.

Ok, the question that plagued me was WHAT? and how do I break out of it? It’s not as simple as – you expect too much, because is it too much to expect that person you’re with sacrifices 5 minutes of sleep to listen to you or whatever. There, gotcha!

The Fix

Finally, finally, I have an answer. Which may sound a little simplistic to some, but like most great ideas, is elegant because of its simplicity.

Here’s the deal. Apparently, the start of relationships are for men like the time when they have a new Ferrari. They love it, they’ll do anything for it, they romance it day and night. They drive around town in it, ecstatic, calling it baby and showering it with attention. They come to the conclusion that they are One with their car. Then one day, they’re driving around town, when they realise they need some cash and have to hop off at an ATM (ATM because most of my men have started their own-trips with new jobs). Once they’re in there, they notice some new machine, or product and they start fiddling with it. They’re spending a lot of time in there and the car outside is getting lonely. But the guy’s fascinated by his new thing, which is important because he thinks the money will help him look after his Ferrari better too – a classy car like that needs to be taken care of and all that jazz. It’s not like he’s cheating because he’s got his eye on the Ferrari outside and it’s still parked out there fine. Then, it starts to rain and the Ferrari starts whining. The guy may hesitate at this point, but he ultimately concludes that he can wash the car when he gets home later, but he can’t take what he’s doing right now home.

At this point, a car like me might just lose a nut or two.

Morals of the story:

1) Learn to auto-drive because the driver can hop out any time.

2) Don’t hold it against the driver if he hops out, you’ve got to learn to take joyrides on your own.

3) Find a good mechanic because you can’t count on the driver always for repairs.

My thoughts 5 years on:

At first, I couldn’t remember who on earth gave me this theory. I was surprised to think that someone I had discussed something so personal with had dropped out of my life enough for me to not even remember who it was. Then I read the theory and remembered. It’s a pretty good theory. I’d have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had revisted and reread this post more often over the past few years.