[This is for my record more than anything else. It could all be hormones, in which case I’d like to track them]
I am officially in what MinCat calls a hole. Every single area of my life is in the grey. My marriage is in a bad place – every second thing V does annoys me. At work, I’m not only surprisingly busy but having to engage in the kind of politicking I just don’t have the energy for. My friends have begun to annoy me to the extent that I would rather not see them any more – but I do because they are not bad people and also, I need friends for later even if I don’t like them now. My post-partum thinness that i was so proud of has devolved into traces of double chin again and a wobbly tummy again. The kids are my sunshine but I feel like I need to step up more in terms of Benji’s nutrition and there are some health concern with Mimi that I would rather be an ostrich about. My helpers are beginning to look worn around the edges, another thing I don’t really want to notice. There’s even depressing news from my family back home – my 98-year-old grandma slipped in the bathroom and had a mild stroke, both her worst nightmares come true, and a huge amount of work for my already overworked mum.
I am aware that if I find every person I encounter annoying, there is something amiss with me and not them. I probably need to do that thing I abhor – look for the positive. But the hole I’m in and my penchant for calling things as they are (in my own head, not aloud, thank god) is making that almost impossible. My nerve endings are raw and all the little nicks and jibes of daily encounters with people which would normally just slide off, now leave me smarting and sore.
I am also angsty about the future because almost as soon as I developed roots, it seems I might need to uproot again. V wants to move back to India and I don’t which I keep reiterating aloud, and now it’s this big unspoken thing because I refuse to discuss it. But in my own head, I’m trying to convince myself that it might be okay to move back which then annoys me because why can’t I dig in my heels but deep down I know that I don’t have the strength (or earning capacity) to carry the weight of that decision on my lone shoulders and also, that V is very rarely wrong which is so regressive it makes me want to scream but it’s also comforting.
I have also started adding more junk to my body. I can’t say I had a completely healthy, organic diet when I was pregnant but a lot of crap was definitely cut out. I hadn’t had a coffee for ages. And when I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and could indulge, I found myself resisting out of habit. When I finally had one, I found myself buzzed and slightly queasy. I realised I cannot drink a strong coffee anymore; it has to be layered with milk, which is not a bad thing, and that possibly two cups of caffeinated drinks a day might be too much for me. I am also addicted to chocolate and I don’t mean it in a polite ha-ha sort of way. I have mild-to-medium withdrawal symptoms if I don’t eat some and then once I start it’s really hard to stop, even though at the end of it my tummy might feel a bit sick but if I get the balance right its bliss. This might explain some of my mood post-partum when I cut out desserts in aid of Mimi’s colic.
Today, the last barrier – or maybe the second last – came down and I had my first drink in over a year. I got nicely buzzed in two drinks – not so buzzed that incoming snark escaped me just buzzed enough that it didn’t down me right away – and it was nice. I didn’t have a hangover but my tummy was off this evening which could have been the alcohol or something else. I’m wondering whether I need to do some sort of detox though, which is kind of funny because I’ve just gotten onto the tox bandwagon.
Frankly, what I really want to do is smoke which is ironic for someone also contemplating detox and might just bring the whole house of cards down in other ways.
I think what I really need to do is get a bigger tattoo and some obvious piercings and drastic hair colour while wearing black all the time and basically go goth so everyone would back the fuck off. Instead I go around wearing yellow and smiling.