All the signs point to a very potent case of the blues.
I am eating salty, fried things not because I am hungry but because I feel they would make me feel better except that they make me feel sick.
I am drinking not necessarily socially but specifically for the feeling of well-being and forgetting that alcohol brings but that glow almost always tips over into maudlin.
I feel blankness and inertia when at work.
I feel irritation with most people.
I feel sleepy all the time. This is normal but actually feel like I’m not sleeping well at night.
My tummy is angsty.
This weekend I reached a turning point. This quote on SiG’s blog feels almost serendipitous:
t’s dark because you are trying too hard. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling.
Aldous Huxley, Island
I had decided that I need to be in denial for a while, to gloss things over, to not deal with them, to not feel so intensely. This is with specific reference to my marriage but possibly also my job. I need to smile and nod and keep the peace because some things I’ve been ranting about are worth the fight and others are unjustified but there are too many and, if nothing else, I don’t want to be fighting around my kids.
One thing I have realised is that I cannot imagine being with someone who is not like my husband. I cannot imagine a relationship with a sensitive type who talks about things and intellectualises. Such types tend to be a little to a lot self-absorbed and arrogant and there is only room for one such in a relationship (and I have taken that slot). When I look at people I might crush on and think whether I would actually want a relationship with them, I don’t think so.
Hmmm and actually the same goes for my job. I think about doing something intellectual like going back to journalism and I don’t think I have the energy for it anymore.
I have a great life, an easy life, and as ever, I feel a little stupid about my doldrums. But here I am.