Note: There are some of you who read this blog and know me in real life and would not like to know the details, or even rough outline, of my sex life. I fully understand. Look away now. I know that you are probably not going to be able to look away and are going to regret having read this post the next time you meet you met me, but that’s life. People who do not know me and are keen to hear my words of wisdom on the subject at hand, read on. People who think sex and any discussion thereof is yucky, look away. Obviously.
Also, this post might end up embarrassing me, and then I will privacy protect it. Whoever read it can then pretend they didn’t.
So following on the last post where I briefly (okay, not so briefly, but this is me) touched upon the topic of sexual shenanigans, I would like to hereby for the edification of mankind dispel share some aspects of my own sex life that buck what we are told (but I’m not sure) is the mainstream trend when it comes to hanky panky (by which I mean sex, of course). Thanks to Cosmo, women’s liberation, et al, there are things we have come to believe about sex and also to believe we want because we are told so much. It is time to examine the truth of these claims as they pertain to one of us (aka, me).
Hg has this very good post in which she uses the term “sex as performance” as opposed to sex as this itch that one needs to scratch. I think that encapsulates everything I want to say about this issue, because I have come to believe that as we hit our 20s, and probably even earlier for “kids these days”, sex has come to be a performative act, based on ideas that we glean from popular culture, rather than a primal, instinctive thing which is what it is at its most enjoyable. There is an episode in Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan’s Cold Feet in which this girl is lying there making all the right noises and the older man she’s with goes: “What are you doing?” Many of us never stop making the right noises because nobody (including ourselves) calls our bluff. Mores the pity.
Thus, after much trial and error, I have realised:
1) I do not like long-drawn out sex. I am a quickie girl. It has become a pop-culture truth that women don’t want a five-minute or even 15-minute bedroom session. The longer you go on, the better it is for the woman, apparently. Um, not always. Not for me at least. Half an hour is my threshold. Fifteen minutes is probably ideal, foreplay included. I’m not that big on foreplay either. I like to get to the point. This is not to say that I’ve never had fabulous, long-drawn out sex. Just that it’s rarer than fabulous quickie sex for me.
2) I do not like receiving or giving head. This needs to be split into two aspects:
a) Receiving head: Men are chastised for not going down on women, that all women love this. So much so that I fully expected to love receiving head. Except I just find it ticklish. One might contend that I have just not met the right man. This may be so but I have had sex with many men and only once or twice have I really been into receiving head. Either all the men I’ve met are really inept at this, have disturbingly short tongues, or it just doesn’t work for me. Whatever the reason, I can’t be bothered wasting time on trial and error in this regard since there are other things about sex I do like.
Moreover, I am sure I would not like to go down on a woman. For this reason, although I really do love boobs, I fear I am not a lesbian.
b) Giving a man a blowjob: I can get into this for about 30 seconds to 1 minute. I am willing to engage in it to the extent that I don’t get all gaggy. I do not get pleasure from the gaggy part. I have heard that giving an excellent blowjob makes some women feel powerful. I don’t even feel powerful. So I am not that interested in blowjobs, but I will oblige now and then because the men I’m with usually love them, but only up to where I feel comfortable.
3) Sexy underwear does not make me feel sexy. Just uncomfortable. I like the way it looks but not how it feels, and frankly, how much time am I going to spend looking at myself in my own underwear. Not much. And neither do men spend that much time registering ones underwear, I’ve noticed, though they might appreciate the effort. I get the feeling men feel more obliged to get turned on by sexy underwear than they actually are turned on by said underwear. Clean and comfortable underwear that’s not fraying at the edges works just as well, I’ve noticed, and doesn’t result in the itches.
4) Due to long practice, I am a most efficient masturbator. I know exactly which of my own buttons to press (in my head) to result in an orgasm fairly quickly. I do not need to actually press anything. Okay TMI, I know.
5) I do not expect to have an orgasm every time I have sex. Some feminists have contended that a vaginal penetrative orgasm is a myth. Since I have actually experienced one, I can safely say it exists in the real world. But not that often. I personally am okay with that. A cousin of mine said she needs to come before her husband even enters her because if he comes and she doesn’t, she gets pissed and obviously once he comes, the whole event just fizzles out. She was surprised to hear that I’m okay with not coming at all during sex. For me, it’s a delicate balance. If I come, I lose interest immediately. I basically need to come as close to coming that I remain interested in the whole act. Even without coming, I feel good after sex if I was in the mood for it.
6) I do not need a lot of sex. I alluded to this in the previous post, but I will elaborate a little here. We have been led to believe that a liberated woman is gregarious about sex. Indeed, a woman who is gregarious about sex was a liberating idea, and in some circles, probably still is a liberating idea. However, it is only liberating if one really is gregarious about sex. It is not liberating if one feels obliged to be gregarious in order to be liberated. If I’m honest, I was one of those play-acting the idea of gregariousness, so convincingly that I believed it myself, and I suspect many of my contemporaries are still at the obliged stage. Of course, it’s not necessary that sex fulfil only its own carnal purpose, it could be engaged in for confidence-building, cuddling, etc. but it would be good to be clear on what exactly is happening so that one can evaluate whether it is actually serving any purpose at all from time to time.
Me, I’ve figured that I would do well to have sex once a week or thereabouts. However, if I never have sex again for the rest of my life, I will not be much the worse for it.
The point of this post is not to say that every woman is me. Just that it would be useful for people to figure out what turns them on separate from the various messages we receive on what ought to turn us on and also to be aware that there have been messages and most of us have internalised them. And also to not waste time and energy having sex unless you’re really feeling the itch, or the sex is serving some other very useful purpose.
I’m done now. You can open your eyes.