Reflections on 100 Happy Days – 2

Yesterday, I posted some general thoughts on the 100 Happy Days challenge. One of the most interesting things about the challenge is looking back on all the posts and seeing patterns in what made me happy during that period. I created a chart online (which in itself could go down as my happy moment of the day had I still been doing the challenge). Here it is (but boo, the resolution is not high enough for you to read the categories and I can’t be arsed to figure out how to fix that. Ive listed them at the end for those who care):

 

Anyhoo. Here’s my analysis:

1. As you can see, the kids really dominated my happy and if you add in the excursions, which always involved them, it’s even more. Kids help me combine two things I enjoy – being with them and getting out into the great outdoors.

2. Food was the next big winner, which kind of goes to show how a good meal can help one’s mood (much as we are told to avoid this dependence).

3. Interestingly, friends and fashion came in for a tied third. If you add in the part about Benji’s school (which I know is a funny category but there was a whole bit of happy related to resolving that one) to the friends category, as some of that is due to conversations with friends and family about the school and being grateful for their support, the friends category could get higher. But it’s interesting to note that fashion (shopping, what I chose to wear and being happy with my appearance, looking at magazines) figures quite high.

4. I’m surprised books didn’t figure more, but I think I made a conscious decision to not have the challenge dominated by Just Read posts, and I managed to suppress this more successfully than the kids posts. On the other hand, I wasn’t watching out for food enough (and maybe I’m influenced by the idea that people like looking at pictures of food), so that sneaked in there more heavily.

5. I’m surprised that exercise figures at all, clearly it’s an upcoming category. Also, the appearance of work leaves me with a bittersweet feeling.

Apart from kids, the champions of this challenge, the absolute high points, which I didn’t include in the chart, were winning the PhD fellowship and the week I spent in Bombay catching up with friends and family.

Categories:

Kids
Technology
Excursions
Exercise
Benji’s school
Art
Marriage
Music/Movies
Friends
Fashion
Books
Food
Work
Health
Misc

Update: Since many people have commented on my doing a pie-chart analysis, I must mention that I got the idea from this blogger. I remember thinking a chart was an interesting way to process the challenge, but didn’t actually think I would one…until I did.

 

 

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Reflections on 100 Happy Days – 1

I decided to do the 100 Happy Days Challenge for a lark and because I want to take more photos with my phone for the blog and Instagram and I find I need a structure for that. Also, I’ve been accused of having a negative view of life, and I figured this might be a way of striking a balance, highlighting the bright spots, especially at a time of great emotional turbulence.

I found that the mere mention of the challenge made several people want to sneer. I never advertised that I was doing the challenge except on the blog and Instragram where I’m mostly followed by people who don’t know me in real life and therefore I’d presume could easily look away from any annoying exhibitions of joy I might post. However, I was observed by friends and family taking photos of stuff at odd moments and when asked about it, instead of lying, I mentioned the challenge which was a cue for such questions as: “Do you really think it’s going to make you happier?” (That wasn’t my aim, see above),“Are they really happy moments every day?” (Yes! I knew this even before I started the challenge. Maybe you need to do it) and “It’s so annoying all these people pretending to be happy” (Pretending? How do you know? Why does it annoy you?) Even on this blog, there were those who felt obliged to make the odd dismissive comment.

Naysayers notwithstanding, I plodded along. And here’s what I think on the other side:

1. Did it make me happier? The challenge website suggests that people who completed the challenge found it had a positive impact on overall happiness. I think the idea is related to positive psychology. While I’m happier having completed the challenge, I can’t definitively say this is because of the challenge. It just so happened that in the last week of the challenge something big shifted in my marriage. With this big stressor removed, I feel lighter and happier. But I can’t say that the challenge didn’t help me cope during a difficult time either. Focusing on and treasuring happy moments in the day should have some, if only momentary, positive effect.
2. I was surprised that people seem surprised that one could find a happy moment every day. Someone even asked me: “Do you plan (i.e. set up) the moment?” No, I don’t, because I don’t need to. Something happy, however small, does happen almost, if not every, day. I already knew this because I was already in the habit of treasuring the small stuff. In that sense, the impact of the challenge might be more greatly felt by those that don’t do this regularly. For me, it’s normal to savour certain moments in the day, the difference with the challenge was that I stretched it out longer because I photographed it and also thought about which moment to feature.
3. My methodology was to intermittently think about which moments I could feature. If something pleasant happened, I’d mentally file it away as a contender. In that sense, it was a little like a mini daily happiness Olympics where at the end of the day, I’d decide which was the most meaningful moment to share. It became a way of reflecting upon not just one, but many good times.
4. It was interesting to see how something that at the beginning of the day I was quite sure was going to yield the happiest moment, might not necessarily do so. For example, one day I was quite sure that a dinner with friends was going to be my happy moment for the day, but when I was taking a photo of the food to represent it, they had so many annoying comments that I ended up posting something else. Another time, I was sure a birthday party my kids attended would be the happy moment, but it turned out to be something else quite small.
5. I recorded a moment for each day diligently, though sometimes I’d forget to do a photo, and then go back and take something to represent the day. Only in the week that I was in Bombay did I skip this daily record because every single day was so filled with joy and it was too hectic to record individual moments. There were only a couple of days when I cheated and used a happy moment from one day to cover the next day, either because there were two standout moments in the day or because a particular day was flat with no moment to highlight (this happened literally twice).
6. Contrary to what I’d been hearing, I didn’t see a lot of people doing the challenge with me. In the blog world, just one. And on Instagram, a handful. None of these posted show-offy or clichéd photos and they’re from different parts of the world so it’s quite sweet to see slivers of their lives.
7. The challenge did get me into Instagram, which I’ve wanted to get into but never knew how. As a side effect, I’m now following a lot of models and getting my fashion fix. I’ve also always had something to post on the blog, even if readers might not have loved these kinds of posts. It brought back a bit of the diary element to the blog.
8. There were moments in between when my enthusiasm did flag and I began to think 100 days was very long. But I’m one of those disciplined people that rarely gives up on a project embarked upon, especially if I chose it. And now that I’m done, I’m feeling a void. In fact, I might pick up another feel-good project – either the What Went Well exercise suggested in the Brain Pickings article or this .

It’s interesting to look back on the posts and see a pattern in the things that make me happy. I did a chart and will post my analysis tomorrow. (Yeah, you’re not done with hearing my drone on about this).

Happily ever after

There’s good news for those of you who are sick of all the happy on this blog. I’m done. 100 days of recording a happy moment every day. Here’s the final installment:

Day 96: May 22

Benji’s school was having a fancy dress party where each child had to dress up as a different profession. Last time, we had him go as a doctor. This time, I was considering just buying a costume, as anyway I realised my kids use the costumes quite a bit to play at home. Then, V suggested doing a home-made chef’s costume as Benji likes cooking. I found exactly the right paper to make the hat and all we had to do was staple it together. I bought a cheap kids apron, and we hand him a ladle and a wooden spoon and voila! He looked super cute if I may say so myself and was pleased with his outfit. Then, Mimi started making noises so V used the leftover paper to make a crown for her.Coincidentally, we were watching Master Chef when I clicked the photo.

Day 97: May 23

You know those awesome quote things that come up on Pinterest? I always wanted to make one of my own. Finally, a bit of googling and trial and error and I had figured it out. Pretty pinnable quotes for the win! I also finally downloaded a barcode scanner app and it was quite magical how you’re taken to the website once your phone scans the code. It was a good day for fiddling with technology.

Day 98: May 24

It was our helper’s birthday, so we all went to Ocean Park. Since the focus was on her, we tried to do the adult rides which we normally bypass in favour of the kiddie stuff. V urged E, our helper, to try this crazy-looking ride. Poor thing – she’s suspended up there upside down. I copped out of the line halfway, but did another really fast ride with her. It all proved too much and she threw up in the cab. But I hope we enjoyed herself, though I doubt she’s doing any of those rides again.

Day 99: May 25

It’s been really hot these days so I figured it was time to use the swimming pool in our estate. We don’t use it as much as we should be the kids seem to have perennial colds which I don’t want to exacerbate. However, this time we decided to just do it although Mimi had a slightly runny nose because she had been asking to go swim in my bathtub and I didn’t want to make a habit of that. I rushed down to buy swim diapers but there weren’t any so we decided to just go without because the kids are pretty good at controlling these days. We didn’t have floats either, but ended up having a lovely time and far exceeded the half hour I thought we’d spend. V and I have vowed to do more swimming ourselves as an exercise. (I took the photo in the evening; it was bright and sunny when we were there).

Day 100: May 26

Finally, it appears that the skies are clearing with regard to Benji’s school. On Saturday, I had had a meeting with Benji’s teacher which confused me because I could see they did take a lot of trouble. On Sunday, I dragged myself to the new school for an Open Day and I’m glad I did because I got a lot more information on what they do there, the background of the principal and even met the teachers. There’s no guarantee that Benji will love the new school but he has a greater chance in this environment.

 

 

Peaceful easy feeling

A friend and I were discussing the other day how we’re not particularly ambitious. We don’t want to be at the forefront of our careers. We don’t want to be in positions of great responsibility. We want to be worker bees, respected for executing tasks week and compensated accordingly. In my case, I like being second-in-command, consulted but not necessarily the person-in-charge. Occasionally I like been given a project to head/work on, but generally something that I can work on myself creatively, not something that requires coordination with 500 people.

There was a time when I wanted to be a career achiever, but now I just want to do things that interest me, and these may not be things that compensate well monetarily or be particularly prestigious. Moreover, I want to hang out with my kids and that doesn’t correlate well with long hours.

In terms of a job, I like stability, low stress and fixed working hours. That’s the reason my current job has suited me, despite not being particularly glamorous. I sometimes miss the prestige of my previous jobs but I don’t miss the stress, and while I have finessed the art of making the right corporate noises, I don’t think I’d cherish the extra hassle that comes with a management role. Unfortunately, in the corporate sector, the idea that someone might not want to be a leader is anathema and it’s better to keep this dirty secret to oneself. Treading water in the corporate sector is a fine art that needs to be practiced clandestinely lest one is outed as less than leaning in.

After the conversation with my friend, I realised I’m surrounded by such people. She joked that there must have been something in the water at our school because of how we turned out. But there are plenty of people in our school who are aggressive in their careers (I think, going by Facebook). Just that I’m not particularly close to any of them. Even in college, I could never get close to the Type-A people and the go-getters despite being peripherally associated with them in a number of ways. Normally these people take themselves and everything they do quite seriously while I have a hard time keeping a straight face around busyness and self-importance.

A job like my current one is hard to come by (which makes it kind of idiotic for me to be throwing if away for postgraduate studies but let’s not dwell on that). I’ve had stressful periods in my past jobs – these are always made worse if you have a toxic manager – and I’ve kept at them while I’ve needed to, but I was never able to stick it out long-term. If I job looked like it was going to be high-stress or the kind that cuts into my downtime indefinitely, I would look to make a switch. I think the husband is the same.

However, I look around me and see people working long hours in unhappy environments (it’s possible to work long hours and love it because you’re passionate about what you’re working on), constantly fatigued by the demands of their jobs and I wonder why and how they do it. I know there are only a fortunate few who can afford to change but I think many people with our social and educational background can do it if they allowed themselves to consider stepping out of the career path they committed to. Sometimes this involves taking a pay-cut or a pay break, but the pay-off in terms of peace of mind and time to breathe can be worth the lifestyle cuts. Normally, these people say “it’s not that bad” and “it could be worse” which I understand is a very real concern, but from where I’m standing it looks pretty bad. I also think that many people in our generation are imprisoned by the idea of being successful, of living up to their qualifications and of not being able to face that they may not have what it takes to excel at the chosen path without working themselves into the ground.

Jobs aren’t the only sources of stress. Right now, one of the biggest stressors of recent times in my life, my marriage, seems to be sorting itself out (touch wood). And the difference it makes to my quality of life is amazing.

I realise I’m very fortunate to have a fairly sorted life. I don’t have financial worries. I have great household help so things run smoothly at that end. My kids are fairly peaceful and I have help with them. My loved ones are mostly doing okay.

But when stressful situations arise, I can’t live with them for very long. This is probably a failing, but I seek to do something about it. Apparently, one has to work on oneself to manage the stress better, but I’ve found that that can only be a coping mechanism and changing or removing oneself from the stressful situation if possible has better results. You lose some but constantly tense shoulders and a churning stomach are just not worth it, no matter how much deep breathing you do in the meantime.

Related reading:

1) This post

2) This article by Zosia Mamet (though I disagree that feminism is to blame for pushing the money-and-power path).

Happy breakthroughs

Day 90: 16 May

Art Basel Hong Kong has become one of the must-do events of my year. Thankfully, most often someone or the other gives me tickets. This time, went with a friend, and unfortunately we ran into another couple there, which meant that we were four people trying to look at art and make conversation. I must avoid going to exhibitions with other people in the future. The need to keep pace with other people and say something about the art is too annoying. Especially when people feel the need to repeatedly mention how their two-year-old could have drawn that. Thankfully, I managed to shrug off the two extras, at the risk of coming across as rude. This time, I had totally abandoned my dream of owning art of this calibre and simply looked and discovered new artists and marveled at some masters, such as the Picasso above in a style that’s a little different from his usual work. Friend pointed out the work of Zao Wu-ki and I discovered the work of Gao Xingjian.

Day 91: 17 May

I had applied for a US visa and got one fairly easily. The most irritating part was filling up the form, which is long, full of stupid questions (“are you a terrorist?”) and had some technical problems. Gathering the documents was relatively simple. In the end, all they asked for was the company letter. My appointment was at 9.30, I arrived there 10 minutes early, went through some preliminary checking and was out in 15 minutes. One of the glitches of the online system was that it didn’t allow me enough characters to fill in my home address which meant I had to collect it myself. I had been a tad anxious that something would be wrong because I belatedly realised they hadn’t taken the hard copy of my photograph, but it turned out to be fine. On the way back from collecting my visa, I got some yummy choux from a local bakery. V who is a fan of these polished off three in short order and for once was reluctant to share with the kids.

Day 92: 18 May

This was a really huge breakthrough day in my tumultuous relationship with V. We sat on the rocks on the promenade near our apartment and had a mammoth conversation. Finally the walls came down, and we are on the path to some sort of reconciliation.

Day 93: May 19

The kids usually have a bath in a small tub placed in our big bathtub. For the first time ever, I filled the big tub and let them go “swimming”. They enjoyed themselves immensely, so much so that Mimi has started demanding “to swim in mummy’s bathtub” every day and throwing tantrums when thwarted. The only thing that caused her to shut up was my repeatedly saying how we can’t waste water because some people don’t have enough to drink. Not sure she grasped the concept, and she didn’t look fully convinced, but it did succeed in getting her to pipe down and only emit small whines instead of yelling her head off.

Day 94: May 20

Life is very peaceful when one is not fighting with one’s husband. In fact, it was easier to identify happy moments when there was a lot of surrounding stress.

Day 95: May 21

Case in point. It was generally a good day. The cherry-on-the-top was the kicks I got out of discovering Mimi and I were wearing matchy-matchy outfits.

 

Old friends, new friends

Friendship used to be a source of some angst for me a few years ago. Moving to Hong Kong cut me off from being in the same place as my closest friends. Even when I had been in Hong Kong for a couple of years, I felt that my closest friends, the people who I could have heart-to-hearts with and could really count on, were back in India. It was one of the reasons maybe that I came across to people as disliking Hong Kong (which was not really the case), because I felt that a very strong allegiance was always in India.

Now, I’m over that. I don’t have the time to have a large friends’ circle, I don’t even particularly enjoy having a large friends’ circle. I need a couple of good friends and that’s it. In Hong Kong, currently I have one. In India, I have two. And then there are a number of people sprinkled around the globe in a secondary circle, people I feel affection for and who I know feel affection for me, and who will lend a hand if I reach to them (but what differentiates them from the first circles is the ease at which I would reach out and the reliability of their response. And that’s my definition of close friendship, I guess.)

Curly recently asked me how many friends I’ve made since college who have stood the test of time. While my count isn’t large, and only one of those people is in the same city as me, I’ve stopped feeling weird about it. I’ve also realised that having a network I can lunch with or chat to now and then is good enough for me.

Last week, I met some new people. It’s very easy to meet new people in Hong Kong because of the floating expatriate population. But I realised I’m not very interested in meeting new people. When the friend I was with mentioned other people would be joining us, I was tempted to make an excuse and flee. The new people arrived and they were nice enough. Only they were so…new. They said the things that new people in Hong Kong say. They were clueless about the issues facing Hong Kong. I found I was bored, though not annoyed which is progress, I suppose. I had a couple of drinks and left.

Yesterday, I got in touch with someone in my network in Hong Kong as I needed some information from her. I’ve actually met her only a couple of times, but liked her, and even put her in touch with my former office for a part-time job. She asked if I’d like to meet up, and I said yes though we figured we’d do it when I started the PhD so that our timings matched better. I have a couple of people like her that I like enough to meet sporadically.

It’s very possible that having kids makes this lack of angst possible, and I’d be much more angsty about being social if I actually had the bandwidth for it. But I also realised that it that maybe I feel the need to have an available bunch of friends on principle (because not having that would make me a weird person, or I’d regret it with I was sad and alone one day) than because I really need them. It may be possible to do be down to one or two or sometimes no friends in one’s immediate vicinity and to be just fine.

On to happier things

Day 83: 9 May

My skepticism about Mother’s Day notwithstanding, I experienced that warm fuzzy feeling when Benji burst into the house waving a carnation wrapped in plastic and shouting “Happy Mother’s Day”. He then proceeded to give me the card he made for me at school and to explain it at length. It contained a heart with “I love U” written inside as well as a drawing in pencil of a mother that was so picassoesque that I had to search for my nose outside my face. Nevertheless, his earnest explanations were too cute, and Mimi was quite left out and I had to console her.

Day 84: 10 May

Finally, I decided to invest in a good but expensive counsellor. The first session was productive and hinted at good things to come.

Day 85: 11 May

Not sure why Frozen was discussed at a banking conference, but V returned convinced that the kids should watch it. I’ve been hearing a lot of people raving about it so was keen to watch it myself, though when it comes to animated movies I’m never very motivated despite the fact that I always end up enjoying them. Both V and I felt the film, while entertaining, was not worthy of all the hype. V questioned why Elsa had to be imprisoned for, as he put it, “her superpower”. The film seemed to be an allegory for the control of women for centuries for fear of their sexual and emotional power. While the message at the end of the film – that this power can be tempered with love and harnessed as a productive force – I’m not sure I entirely buy it. However, I did like the strong relationship between the sisters, I identified with the pain of being shut out by a sister, and I loved how at the end, it’s the two sisters holding hands and not a prince and princess getting hitched. The character I enjoyed most in this film was Olaf. I wondered how they’d resolve the combination of summer and a snowman, and that they did was what made this a fairytale for me.

Day 86: 12 May

With a weekend of thunderstorms, we’d been marveling from our balcony at the water gushing down the mountain next door, so V decided to take the kids to see it up close. We then climbed the mountain a bit and tracked the water upstream and V even held the kids  into the flowing water so that their feet were dipping in, while our helpers looked on horrified and shrieked: “Mosquitoes mosquitoes!” They were right and the next day the kids had huge welts. Benji very seriously told V: “Daddy next time don’t take me to the mountain and put me in the water because the mosquitoes will bite me and I’ll get a big boo boo.” I thought we’d be safe till we are about 50 from being lectured by our kids, but apparently this starts early.

Day 87: 13 May

A new colleague joined work to replace my old favourite colleague. The new girl seems nice too.

Day 88: 14 May

Thanks to a coupon from Zalora, I got a new pair of shoes. I’ve been needing a pair of white strappy shoes, and although I initially didn’t love the look of what came out of the box, they’re doing very nicely. They’re wedges which really helps. I feel like all my shoes should be wedges now.

Day 89: 15 May

Got this at the recommendation of a friend, and think it’s going to be good. I’m really enjoying reading histories of strong women in the past. I think this book will be a good entry point into Chinese history, which I need to know more of, as well.

Ab ki bar…

So Modi won. I was one of the few in denial about it till the very end. I was taken aback by the scale of his triumph, though I knew he had many supporters among the urban middle class.

Apparently unlike most Indians, I am unwilling to overlook the sins of the past, especially of the magnitude that we witnessed in Gujarat. The idea of a man who at best let such things happen on his watch and at worst who was complicit in them leading the country fills me with dread, but what is more dreadful is that most people seem to be able to shrug this off.

Middle class Indians are obsessed with development and are convinced only Modi can deliver it. There’s no questioning of the development model, of who wins and who loses. We seem unconcerned by the increasing pushback from sections of society that never seem to be at the receiving end of development. As long as urban areas seem to be developing, it’s fine. Someone mentioned that the middle class is essentially selfish, and maybe that’s why the choice of selective development is so easy.

And of all the people to push this development, it was decided that Modi was The One. The fact that there are leaders of other states with higher performance indicators doesn’t seem to have registered, though I guess regional players like Jayalalitha would not have had the national reach to be able to win this election so someone who could galvanize the nation and had what was perceived to be a great (but was more realistically only a decent) track record was elevated to the position of messiah. The euphoria over Modi’s win reminds me of the euphoria over Obama’s win (that I shared in), although they are at opposite ends of the political spectrum. Like Obama, I don’t think Modi is going to be able to deliver everything people expect. However, he has a huge majority in Parliament and no excuses. I wonder how people will react when this comes to pass. Will they be forgiving? Or will we see a turn back to stoking communal tensions to detract attention from more difficult problems.

There are those who believe that Modi being a pragmatist will abandon the communalist fervour that propelled him to power now that he is a national leader with a different agenda. I’m skeptical but we can only hope. I’m  not hoping for development so much as peace, freedom and civil liberties to be maintained. If development that is fair to all sections of society happens, then that will be a pleasant surprise.

Happy happy happy joy joy joy

Day 76: 2 May

Still confused about Benji’s school, I was glad to catch my sister on chat and get her views. Based on what I told her, she and my brother-in-law voted for the new school. Though I’m still undecided with Benji seeming okay with the old school, I’m still leaning towards the new school. This whole thing has taught me that I really do struggle with big decision-making. I feel like I’m waiting for some definitive sign to show me the way.

Day 77: 3 May

V and I had dinner out together after ages. Some great new restaurants have opened up in our district, and I think this one – Modern China – will be a favourite. I ordered my favourite mandarin fish in Sichuan chilli dish and since it was way too big for two people, we got takeaway boxes and I ended up eating that sauce through the week, frying up prawns to go with it mid-week.

Day 78: May 4

Woke up from my afternoon nap, my stomach rumbling, to the aroma of freshly baked cookies. Having tried the Betty Crocker box version with success, V made these from scratch and they were quite yummy.

Day 79: May 5

V and I had a rude argument that morning, and I felt terrible because he was leaving on a business trip. Somehow we made up, and it made me realise that these days I feel like Mr Darcy as expressed above. We ended up exchanging mushy smses which is more than we’ve done in months.

Day 80: May 6

Visited friends who have just had a baby and enjoyed talking to the visiting grandma about Bandra, where we both grew up. I realised I find it easier to accept and laugh off prejudiced views in the older generation.

Day 81: May 7

Sometimes all it takes is coming across the right book for your mood in the library. I have to say I didn’t love this one in the end. I’m fairly tolerant of Sophie Kinsella’s heroines’s propensity to fuck up, seeing them as an extreme version of myself, but the two in this book really made me want to shake them. Nevertheless, as always there are some awesome fantasy men in there.

Day 82: 8 May

Whatever may be said of technology, whatsapp has helped connect several groups that would otherwise have been out of touch for ages. In my case, it’s the cousins group formed after the reunion at my gran’s birthday and the college friends group that was formed after the trip to Sri Lanka and then controversially expanded to include some stragglers. Regardless of the politics and the inevitable off jokes or greetings, some of the exchanges on these groups are very amusing. And during one of them I discovered the majority of my college friends hate bananas! How did I hang out with these girls for that long and not notice this? Okay because we were too busy discussing our crushes and how to “get proxy” in class while eating spicy roadside sandwiches and “Mysore malasa dosa” but still.

 

Old age

At the risk of sounding like a dire curmudgeon, what is with everyone (by which I mean regular people, not celebrities whose bread and butter hinges on eternal youth) wanting to be young these days? Aren’t we old enough (by which I mean those beyond 30) to have gotten over being embarrassed about growing older? I thought 30 is the socially sanctioned age at which to get into a froth over one’s aging, and then one is officially old and can safely retire to bed at 10 pm (or earlier, ahem).

I missed the memo that said we should all aspire to youthfulness which apparently these days translates into not just looking and acting young but looking and acting hot. Or maybe I got the memo, but I fell asleep soon after and then forgot, because, you know, old age causes amnesia. And yay for that, having something to blame my forgetfulness on was much needed. (PS: I am aware that being old doesn’t necessarily mean being forgetful.)

So the other day a friend commented on how her 40^th birthday is coming up and when she was a child, she thought 40 was so old and I chimed in agreeing and another friend interrupted to say that 40 is not old and I added: “As long as you’re not Henry VIII” and she took pains to point out to me that Henry XIII lived at a time when people died at 40, which I am well aware of and that was my point.

Medical science has marvelously extended our lifespan but maybe it would be good to remember that it is indeed an extension and thus, give our bodies a break. Yes, we have managed to make 40 the mid-point of life (I think). However, we have not defied aging entirely, and it still happens and maybe we can just accept it and take a nap already. So while we will not die at 40 as good old Henry did, we don’t need to live the equivalent of having eight wives either. We can slow down, let ourselves go a bit in the appearance department, be shameless in a way women of my mother’s age seem to have perfected (“Don’t worry, I’ll ask,” is something my mother says on a regular basis while stomping to counters and enquiring while I cringe in the background).

Instead, people seem uniformly insistent on looking “hot”.

Curly and I were having this discussion, and she made the valid point that psychologically and physically people are capable of more. As in, mentally maybe we can let ourselves do things that people would not let themselves do in the past because they were “too old”. I don’t know if this was really because of some psychological barrier or just the sheer conditions of life whereby most people had children and/or were trying to buy a house and therefore had neither time or money to spare on the extraneous things involved in being young and hot. But maybe there’s an element of truth to that – maybe our mothers would just not go to nightclubs in their 40s because although their children didn’t need them at home, they would stick out like sore thumbs?

Be that as it may, I feel the physical element cannot be denied. A late night hits harder at this age (made worse if you have kids who wake you up at 6 am), a hangover is more intense. Even the friend who dissed my Henry VIII point conceded that a hangover at 30 seems more intense, or at least “less worth it”. So there’s a psychological element – we’ve grown up and therefore feel we don’t need to put our bodies through that particular experience anymore – and a physical element whereby the experience of a hangover itself hits the body harder. On the other hand, it’s possible that some people having discovered physical fitness later in life feel more energetic now than before, but I’m comparing bodies at the same fitness level. I have aches and pains now that I never did before.

And that’s ok. I also have a hell of a lot more confidence. And I like sleeping early, and resting, and being slightly ignored because I’m not young and shiny, and occasionally being perceived as having gravitas. It’s a different life stage. Why fight it?

Also, why fight it with this obsession with “sexy”? People striking sexy poses in photos has begun to annoy me. It is impossible to see a photo of women these days without them being side angled or sticking their legs out. I compare these to our photos in our teens when we were all brazenly facing the camera fully frontal and grinning like baboons, hair frizzy and pores glistening. How charming we were then. I’m serious.