I seem to have attained a sense of detachment. (Or I’m turning into my husband.)
My desire to get out there and meet new people lasted all of 15 minutes. No sooner had I made a plan than I realised I didn’t care much whether it materialized or not.
Which was a good thing because I have fallen sick every other week, and had to cancel plans on people three times (twice the same people).
I felt bad for cancelling, but not particularly FOMOish.
Maybe because my expectations of people have dropped to 1.5-2 on a 10-point scale. Not yet in negative territory but low enough for me to coast along without feeling like my skin has turned inside out. Low expectations FTW.
No really, it’s a good thing. A lot less angst.
I don’t even feel anxious about the fact that I might be friendless in my 50s. That horizon is too far away.
I don’t know how I achieved this, or even if it’s permanent (though I kind of hope it is). Perhaps it’s a hormonal imbalance (or balance!) or just the germs floating around in my body that apparently have not departed since a month ago.
I have decided to treat the husband as a co-parent rather than a lover. He is not amused. This might take some fine-tuning.
While most of this seems to have happened as a result of some unconscious switch, one thing I have been consciously doing is repressing. Having practiced repression for about 20 odd years of my life, and been a much less volatile person as a result (albeit the odd instance where I flirted with alopecia aged 5), I am belatedly seeing the virtues of it, Mr Freud notwithstanding. So now instead of dealing with my negative feelings, I greet them, make five minutes of polite conversation and then squash them. Sometimes they pop back up, but I hush them fiercely. It works. I mean, I still dislike the people who annoyed me, but I don’t spend too much time and energy on them.
For the first time in ages, I’m actually able to roll my eyes at rude/passively aggressive/overly fussy people on the MTR and move on. Huzzah.
Now if only I could my physical health sorted.