And I’m probably one of them.
After a Saturday that started well – I went down to play football with Nene – but quickly deteriorated – a terrible woman insisted we stop playing lest we hurt someone, then called security on us even when we moved to somewhere where there were no people, and the apologetic security was forced to back her because of the rules, then when we go home V who backs me up in general starts nitpicking on the finer points – I decided I had finally had it with people near or far.
I have been finding my interactions with people, even the nice ones, increasingly anxiety-producing of late. I am convinced I am rubbing people the wrong way. I get into a discussion with someone, and then I end up rehashing it in my head and wondering whether I went too far.
Recently, I replied to an email from a long-lost friend who I actually like, trying to be lighthearted, and it apparently came across the wrong way because she never wrote back, even to my apology.
I am over-sensitive, not just about what other people say to me, but to my effect on other people. If anything, I am more sensitive to how my words affect other people, than to their on me, unless its V.
I have no idea what caused this, but I have finally had enough. Since I cannot control my feelings (enough, I have tried), I can only try to step back from other people.
I find that I cannot really control what I say, I am resolved not to say anything. Or at least minimise the saying. As extreme as this sounds, I think this is a good policy.
Think before you speak as it were, and speak less overall.
In the meantime, I cut myself off Facebook as a preliminary step. At the risk of sounding like one of those people who performatively declares they’re off Facebook, I feel the need to say this. Since my Facebook interactions are a source of anxiety that are quite easily remedied by not engaging in them, I decided to delete the app off my phone. Obviously, I miss it, and instinctively reach for it. But I’m making myself refrain for a week.
The thing is that Facebook has also become one of my sources of world news, so it’s not entirely practical to be off it, but I’m exploring Twitter, which is much more easy to be detached and anonymous on. Instagram, with its limited personal interactions, is allowed.
Fed up of my husband’s painful reactions to anything I tell him, I’ve decided I’m not going to tell him anything sensitive. For reals.
And I’m going to stop engaging so much in office discussions. This is a tried and tested means of keeping calm and carrying on.
I don’t see friends in Hong Kong that often, so not much to remedy there. I have resolved to listen more and talk less though when I do see them though. Unfortunately, alcohol doesn’t help.
Basically, I’m putting myself in an isolation tank.