The Compulsive Confessor had this post where she makes a reference to the older hers. It’s so well written that I’m going to have to quote her on this:
What happens to old personalities? Do we fold them up and put them away among mothballs? Where are the mes that used to be? Maybe, like an onion, if I kept peeling layer after layer of myself off, I’d find the original me, the me I began with. On the other hand, the me that lurks closer to the surface is who I am now, for better or for worse, my personality has formed, and it’s hard to break yourself of it.
I also feel that around the time I hit 30 my personality had formed. I’m more confident in my own skin, not as adaptable as I used to be, more hard-edged. It’s the physical things like not drinking as much, going to bed earlier, not being comfortable in any bed but my own. But also the more intangible ones – not hanging about on the edge of a party, speaking up and yet talking less overall, not just going along with everyone else’s plan, making decisions and sticking to them, digging my heels in, being even less bothered what people think.
I think back to the older mes. As a young child I was reticent, almost friendless in school, and yet, talkative and cheerful around a chosen few. By the time, I hit secondary school, I managed to find my niche, never popular but not a complete nobody either, on the fringes of the popular, one of the smart but not completely geeky (I hope) ones.
In college I gained confidence , I discovered what I was passionate about and what I was good at (literature and writing) but I was still sort of on the edge of the party, a little socially awkward. My first boyfriend changed all that. I blossomed in the knowledge that someone could be so head over heels in love with me. It gave me a place from which to be myself. There were boys competing over me, granted boys from a very limited circle but I learnt what it was like to be the object of desire and it’s a sweet lesson to learn.
In my early 20s, I came into my own. I discovered my career and I discovered I was attractive to people beyond the small circle of my school friends and my building. I had always been guarded and cynical socially; suddenly, I just decided to let go. I’d take the lead in making conversation – I hated social niceties so I dispensed with them most often. If someone asked me ‘how are you?’, I told them how I was really. It had a surprising effect but it worked because they stopped saying superficial things to me as well. I’ve never been a great dancer but I didn’t care anymore. I flirted and I was flirted with everywhere I went. I would probably never be the centre of the party but I was no longer cringing in the corners any more. I was reveling in who I was and other people liked it too.
Well, most people. One of my close friends told me that she thought I had changed for the worse. That I seemed frantic and over-dramatic. Other people have told me I’m a drama queen . I think I’m more a person who likes to live in a story than an absolute drama queen. I’m too low maintenance to be a diva. But I do like a good turn of phrase. And I was very restless then and maybe people who were used to me being the sedate one weren’t prepared for this new more out-there me.
Things calmed down when I met V. I was living a fairytale and I played the role of princess. I allowed myself to be the dependent one, to be led by the hand. Ever since my first boyfriend, I’ve been pampered by the men in my life and by now, I saw it as my due. This might have been obnoxious but I can honestly say I gave as much as I got. Probably more. I toned down my public personality, I was no longer on the prowl. I met a lot of completely new people in a completely new cities and I realised I had lost the mojo of sociability somewhat. Nevertheless, I purred a lot.
What happens after happy-ever-after though? Things changed and I changed. First, I blazed like a meteor in a fury of drama – this time I was truly dramatic, more crazy and wild and violent than I knew I could be, a side of me only V saw because he was the object of it all. Then one day, I burned out.
Through it all, there have been things that have never changed. Since my earliest days to today, I’m cynical but a dreamer with an idealistic streak. I love a good argument, to play devils advocate, to see both sides of the coin almost endlessly. Yet, I like to get to the heart of the matter. I dislike the superficial and so I will never be the most social of people.
The past few years have seen me somewhat come full circle. I have folded more into myself. I’m more guarded about my feelings, about laying it all out there for people. I think before I speak. I am less confident of my reading of people and situations. Professionally, I strategise. Socially, I have less and less to say by way of polite conversation, sometimes I am literally tongue-tied, a blank. Being a mother has given me less time for other people and more focused on priorities.
In many of these things, but not all, I have been influenced by V who I realise is so like the old me. Only, he’s a guy and that is quite possibly a natural state for a guy to be. And he can rise to the occasion when the superficial is called for. I’m not sure about me – I still have a very feminine urge to lay it all out there – but with time and discipline, restraint has become almost natural and anyway, it’s a falling back into an old self.
So, what have your past personalities been? Where have they gone? Or have you always been the same?
PS: Read about MinCat’s metamorphosis here.
R's Mom said:
I loved this post….somehow I connected to it in a weird way…Now I have a stupid question…do you think our personality reflects that particular age of oursFor example in college, I used to hate my body image..I was fat, hairy, with no personality or anything..Now when I am 30 and a mother of a kid, I am still fat and hairy but I am more confident…I love my body and I think I can walk away wearing anything…maturity does come in and play a role on personality doesnt it?
MinCat said:
you know, R's Mom, I agree. I think age and experience really help–you know you'll survive heartbreak, so it doesn't scare you anymore. you know there's more to you than hair or fat, so you don't care. you know what you're comfortable in and don't care if it is or isnt fashionable, cos you know fashions change. but with me, i can't stop the Doormat me from resurfacing =D I had to write a post in response to this one!
RS said:
I can some where relate to this post. Though I think the opposite happened with me-always an extrovert and participating in school-I kind of became shy and didnt really even get into the 'happening' crowd. Just loved being with my own circle of friends. These 2 sentences hold very true for me too:I also feel that around the time I hit 30 my personality had formed. I’m more confident in my own skin, not as adaptable as I used to be, more hard-edgedBeing a mother has given me less time for other people and more focused on priorities.
The Bride said:
@R's Mom I'm sure age has something to do with it but I chalk it down more to experience than age. The changes in my personality have more to do with events in my life than specifically my age. Though maybe for some people, it's just down to the passage of time… so you kind of grow into your own skin and thus comfortable with your own body. Body image is an interesting point that missed. Part of my confidence in my early 20s was confidence about my looks. But honestly, looking back, I looked my best in my early 20s. I was really gawky all through college but pretty attractive once I discovered a style that suited me. A friend and I actually talked about how we all look so much better than we used to when we were in our teens. Most of us were at our best in our early 20s but we're still more attractive now than in our late teens.I also find that motherhood has made me less body conscious. I used to obsess about my paunch (which my friends will tell you was non-existent). Now the thought of a lumpy body and stretch marks don't bother me one bit. @MinCat I feel that it's more experience than age. Though of course, the two are tied up. @RS Yeah, I can see the opposite scenario happening too. I feel like that kind of happened with my sister.
GB said:
I can relate to this post entirely. I think my personality shifts depending on where I'm spending maximum time at a given point. Almost makes me sound psychotic, eh? 😀 I was quite the goody-goody-two-shoes in school. Even prudish. College really opened me up…though I was still academically-oriented, I discovered a freedom within myself that I'd never experienced before. It was exhilarating though it did lead to some heartbreaks now and then! University was a dark and depressing period in life…I was in a new country and before I could adjust to life there and make close friends, it was time to leave. After I started working, I've become a lot more confident and people-friendly…and I feel like an adult who can stand up for herself. With marriage and baby in the picture, I feel like I've become a wise ass 😀
sukanya said:
enjoyed reading this post. Read CC's too and loved her take on it as well.i have changed for the better. as a young adult i was inconsiderate, under confident, unassertive, indecisive, a people pleaser. i was basically clueless and went with the flow. i had body image issues etc etc. i like the me now, way more than the old me. motherhood, marraige, new country, culture primarily and of course age were/are the agents reponsible for this change. of all the changes, the one i love the most is how i have embraced myself and my body. i feel sexy now:-)
The Bride said:
@GB My MA was dark and depressing for me too. I forgot that part actually – I discovered I cannot live alone. @sukanya and yay for that!
Bhargavi said:
Louuuved the post and I kept nodding along as I read it. I would pin it all on experiences one has.. I don't remember being as cynical as I am now during college and my early twenties.. but then the late twenties and my early thirties are different animals all together..Personalities are in constant flux and I don't think I can say (even at 31) that this is what I'll probably be like forever..which is surprising and perplexing at the same time.
popbiscuit said:
Ohhhhh…I relate to this a lot!Need to do a post on my previous mes as well.As in your case, feel the husbadoo has influenced and shaped a lot of these since we dated and then got married…that's what over 7 years of being together does to you!
snippetsnscribbles said:
omg! This post resonates with me so much!I'm glad what I am today. Glad I have the teens and the 20s behind me. I was so not liking myself then. Now, I think I'm getting more comfortable in my skin, don't compare myself much to others and I'm ok with how I'm turning out :)I really have to keep up with your posts. It's amazing how you do all of the things you do and still find time to post almost everyday 🙂 You're an inspiration.
The Bride said:
@bhargavi yes, that's true. there may be changes yet. I can remember a distinct change in my mom when she started getting involved in community work in her late 50s. Suddenly, she became more confident, ready to speak up, less of a pleaser.@popbiscuit In Chinese culture, they say a husband and wife look alike. The logic being that in a marriage, people exchange so much that they begin to look like ach other. The first time someone said, you look like your husband, I was offended. But I realised they meant it as a compliment :)@snippetscribbles i think i was more mature and composed in my teens. I seemed to have regressed in maturity as I grew older, but have now regained some of the poise, if not the levelheadedness.
apu said:
hmm, a very interesting post. I've thought about this, though not in as much detail. Maybe it's time for me to do a post on this! But yes, I think all of us change. To me, the really interesting question is, where do the old personalities go to? I feel that while we all change, none of us do as much as we may think. I somehow believe that the core of our selves is formed when quite young, and while somethings change, in how we react to people/situations etc, deep down, how we feel about a lot of things doesn't. So, I think old personalities just get some new clothes, thats all!
The Bride said:
@apu do write the post and link back. And yeah, I have a feeling some essential core does remain the same but the clothes do change and how.
haathitime.com said:
I read the CC's post on this too, and started a post on my own reflection of all the older mes. But its an unfinished post. One I can't for the life of me, get down to finishing. I dont know what it is!And now Iv seen this..and I see such a resonance with my own life. Especially this part: The past few years have seen me somewhat come full circle. I have folded more into myself. I’m more guarded about my feelings, about laying it all out there for people. I think before I speak. I am less confident of my reading of people and situations. Professionally, I strategise. Socially, I have less and less to say by way of polite conversation, sometimes I am literally tongue-tied, a blank. Now I think, maybe I should go back and finish off the post too.This was lovely to read. Thanks for sharing..